Type of Love

I had an interesting conversation a few days that made me stop and think about the Type of Love and how they apply to the Polyamory.  I often tell A “love you” and I do.  She is an amazing lady and has a genuine heart.  She has been nothing but loving and caring towards me and has welcomed me into their life and their home – not just their relationship.   I know she has noticed that I say it to her but not S.  I do love and care about him as well but have not said “love you” out of respect for A.  I would never want to cross any lines or hurt her feelings in any way.  I was completely transparent and conveyed that I do love them both.   I explained that I have made a conscious effort not to say that to S out of respect for her  in addition to some personal things.  A asked a very valid question – am I “in love” with S?  or rather how would I describe my feelings.  I can’t say that I’m “in love” with S.   We have been talking for 5 months and official partners for 2.  I do love him and care for him, but I think it’s would premature and very irresponsible of me to say that I’m “in love” with anyone after only a few months.  And to be honest – it scares me as well.  I have not had the best of experience in relationships and thus very cautious about new relationships and friendships.  I often give my whole heart in relationship (family, friends, as well as romantic ones) and often find myself hurt.  Thus I’m certainly more cautious.  I respect and understand the concerns and anxiety about saying “I love you”.  Being new to poly, loving and having emotions romantically for another person is a new concept – and a scary one at that.   I understand and respect the request to NOT say “I love you” to partners – especially so early in a relationship.   I say it because that is how I feel.  I think it healthy to speak how you feel.  You never know when the opportunity to tell someone how much you care for them can be taken away.  I say it without the expectation of it being said in return.  I say it to close friends and partners because I want people to know they are loved and cared for.  Whether its a platonic love or a romantic love.  I don’t say those words lightly and when I do they have strong meaning.  But her question made me think about the different types of love.  There are different types of love.

  • Agape – Love of humanity. Contributing
  • Storge – Family love. Relations or very Close Friends
  • Eros – Romantic or Sexual
  • Pragma – Love that endures. Usually married or together or long periods of time.
  • Philautia – Self love. Being kind to self.
  • Ludus – Playful. Fun. Exciting love. New Love.
  • Philia / “Affectionate” – Platonic love. Love among friends.

So when talking about loving someone, the type of love and feelings is a good question.  Based on the typical type of love identified above, I think most people experience more than one of these at any given time during a relationship.  I would say my love for S falls in two or three areas: Eros – Romantic / Sexual; Ludus – Playful and fun; Philia – platonic love because regardless of whether we have a sexual relationship or not, we have a connection and a friendship.  If our romantic / sexual relationship ended I would still love and care for him as a friend – just as I do A and my best friends whom I known for decades.  My love for either of them is not about the type of relationship we have but the connection, the friendship, the compassion and caring for another.  Its about wishing them to be happy and healthy.  Its about wanting their life to be full of joy and laughter and how lucky I feel to be part of that life.  Loving someone and saying the words is about expressing how important they are to you and the impact they have on your life.

I LOVE YOU –  is a level of intimacy that should be cherished.  My saying them to more than one person (romantically or not) does not lessens its meaning.  My words are genuine and pure and I hope those I have said them to know just how important they are to me and how much it means to have them in my life.  I would truly be saddened and heartbroken to loose any of them.

 

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Calm after the Storm

Relaxing in my tub and getting ready to head to bed. Feeling calm and relaxed after a mentally draining and emotional day (self inflicted but draining none the less). I knew going to the house after work today would be a bad idea with the space my head was in! Thankfully my partner and wife invited me over. A little relaxation, a huge hug, good conversation and a few laughs and I feel more calm and much better! Nothing like a little time with those that love you and whom you love in return the make the world right again. Ok so that is a little extreme… lol. But I definitely will be able to go to bed and sleep better tonight. Or atleast I hope so! I’m one lucky lady to have S and A in my life ❤️

Note to Self – when having a bad day just spend time with S and A! Oh and B made my day – she missed me. That’s their 4yr old daughter! ❤️

Broken

The past 12 hours I have been stuck in my head.  Trying to figure out what to do with my situation.  Something has to change and they are only so many options.  Unfortunately – no matter which one I choose someone gets hurt.  If i stay and allow life to go on as it is at home – I’m hurt.  I hurt daily – I can’t remember the last time I felt like a priority.  In some circumstances I should always be secondary, but home and in my primary relationship that should not be the case.  For years I have felt like an option.  At some point you either accept and continue to live each day OR you choose to leave.  Eight years ago, I choose to accept it and live each day to the best I could.  As long as we were not fighting and the kids were taken care of, I was ok with it.  Being the option leaves your heart missing and wanting so much more.  Yet you are afraid to get close to anyone.  You are afraid to let anyone in.  Afraid of always being an “option” and never being a priority.  People say you can’t get hurt if you never let someone in, but that is a complete LIE.  I hurt everyday and it has been years since I have truly let someone get close until recently.  It’s lonely when you keep your heart to yourself and being lonely is just as hurtful as loving someone who can’t or wont’ show you love in return.  Its very isolating.  Letting someone get close is very scary for me.  The truth is each time I have let someone get that close my heart has been broken.  That’s exactly how I feel “BROKEN”.  I feel like i’m in a million pieces trying to put myself back together.  Every time I get close, someone takes off with the pieces and leaves me completely lost.   I”m tired of feeling broken.  I’m tired of feeling unworthy or unwanted.  In my heart, I know I am a good person.  I am successful at work and bust my ass to be a good mother.  But in terms of love and companionship – not so much.  Don’t get me wrong, there are people in my life that make me feel wanted and loved.  But at the end of the night, when I go home and crawl into bed – I am alone.  Regardless of the person lying next to me – I am alone!

Positive

My goal is to try and stay positive. I had an amazing day Saturday and Sunday.  While moments of agitation began to seep in throughout the day.  Frustrated with my husband getting fired from work among other things.  But being upset about it will do me no good.  Anytime the negative thoughts begin to creep in I try to think about the positive things in my life.  This includes my partner, his wife and some great friends.  Each day they say and do things that make me smile and laugh.  Even now she is texting me telling me I need to lay down and get some rest.  HMMMMM   A doesn’t like the word “meta” and i get it.  It seems so inpersonal.  I need to come up with a new term – something other than meta or my partners wife lol.  A is a great friend that happens to be married to my partner.  Sorry – that was my random thought for the evening.  I have so much more in my head but getting tired.  I should go to bed for the evening.  Night!!!!

Happy Two Months

Today I filled with pure joy.  Nothing like time with people you love and care about to make the shitty days better.  Today marks two months with my new partner.  Last night I spent the evening bowling and watching movies.  Then a little fun before we all cuddled and passed out.  This morning I woke, S gave me a kiss and told me happy two months.  I had such a huge smile and made my heart happy.  A got up and went to get “coffee” as an excuse to give us some alone time together on our two month anniversary.  These two people have brought me more smiles and laughter.  Today I am completely energized and excited.  Right now my life is far from perfect but it could be much worse.  Over time things will figure themselves out.  My marriage will either flourish or fail this year.  But whatever happens.  I’m going to focus on dancing in the sunlight as well as the rain.  I am blessed with amazing kids and family.  I’m blessed with a new partner and amazing friends.  I think of S and A and kids as an extended family.  I love spending time with them and being around them – ALL of them.  I love that my son enjoys spending time.  Anyways – I have committed to buying a GMAT study guide and start working towards going back to school.  When i sit back and look at my life, when the sky is falling around me, I always do better and feel better when i’m working to improve me or improve my life etc.  So why the sky is falling I”m going to focus on being productive and bettering myself.  I’m committed to try and not let the source of my woes totally over take my life.  I may not be able to accomplish it every day.  There will be days I sit and cry in my bathroom floor but I want to there to be fewer of those and more of the smiles and things that bring me happiness.  Tonight my heart is really happy – really really happy.

What am i doing right?

I have absolutely no clue what i’m doing right at the moment.  I like to think i’m a genuine person.  I try to be “me” at all times.  But based on the image above – things are difficult so i must be doing something lol.  Oh well.  Things are difficult – they have been difficult for a while.  Sometimes I wonder how much am I bringing on myself because i’m not willing to make a change in my marital circumstances.  I know this year something has to change.  Not sure what that change will be or how it will come about but something will change.  Change is often difficult but necessary.  One thing i am going to do this year that i have been putting off is going back to school.  I want to sit for the GMAT in March 2019 so I can begin taking classes this summer or fall.  I need to meet with a few schools and figure out where i want to go and what program i want to enroll in.  As for my personal life.  I’m looking forward to what the future has in store for me and S.  I have made some great friendships and look forward to spending time with A and L especially.